My heart is beating fast. I have no words to say, though a thousand angry words rush through my mind. Frozen like a deer in headlights. Once again, I'm stuck in conflict.

Inside I'm self-righteous, able to see the fault lies elsewhere. It'd be easy to walk away. But when I really care about the other person, or the issue, the wilderness of conflict sucks me in. I'm driven into uncertainty and chaos.

But let the storm settle, and things become clear. There are new possibilities that address the issue. Our relationship is deeper and I'm a stronger person for it. If I can just get to that open place after the storm, I can get back my hope and creativity.

Bowen Family Systems Theory explains how anxiety moves through families and groups. Recently, I've been applying the theory to young adults relating to parents, or to teamwork in organizations. Do recognize yourself in these typical dynamics of conflicted anxious relationships?

• Conflict

"It's your fault! I'm clean." (Blame)
"You always let me down." (Criticism)
"You're such a jerk!" (Name-calling)


• Distancing

"Pay attention to me for once!" (Pursuit)
"Give me space! Get off my back." (Distance)
"How was your day?" met with silence or a short answer. (Avoidance)


• Cutoff

"I haven't been home in years."
"I quit my job! I won't have to put up with this crap anymore!" (Breaking connection)


• Over/Underfunctioning

"You don't know what you're doing.
I'll have to do it myself." (Overfunctioning)

"Get a haircut and a real job. What you really need is a girlfriend!" met with:
"Give me a break, I just want to do my own thing." (Giving advice, having goals for someone which they don't share)

Whenever it's time to take out the trash:
"I'm going out for the night." (Underfunctioning)


• Triangling

"Let me tell you about Tina's bad attitude!" (Talking about others rather than talking with them directly)

"I thought she was alright, but now I see how it is. We'd better teach her a lesson!"
(Getting hooked into someone else's problem)

"Yeh, I know what you're saying. Nobody likes her." (Getting everyone involved)

Resorting to these dynamics can be healthy, or at least they ease our tension momentarily! Consider the usefulness of stepping away to calm down (distancing). Getting out of an abusive relationship (cutoff). Involving a wise third party to help you gain perspective (triangling). Even conflict itself holds opportunity for getting issues into the light and addressing them. It's not that these patterns are inherently bad, but they can sure get us stuck!

I've enjoyed conversations with people about how to transform these dynamics once we recognize them. How do we bridge cutoff? Grow through conflict? Share the load when tempted to just take care of everything instead of talking? Read our ideas for transforming relationships on this week's blog Transforming Conflicted, Anxious Relationships.

Wisdom for the day: The conflict equivalent to the proverb: If life gives you lemons, make lemonade! When conflict heats up, bake apple pie!

Blessings!

Charletta
 

Event: Thriving Through Conflict
November 8, 2008, Schaumburg, IL

Conflict drives us into the wilderness of chaos and uncertainty. Learn how to discover opportunity and growth in the wilderness.

Title: Extraordinary Relationships: A New Way of Thinking about Human Interactions, Roberta Gilbert, John Wiley and Sons, Inc.

An introduction to family systems theory. Gilbert says there are three keys to solid relationships, to balance being separate, equal and open with each other.

"Dave, I suggest you begin telling stories about YSB's work at the campaign steering committee meetings," I said to Dave McClure, the executive director of the Youth Service Bureau of Illinois Valley.

I had recently begun consulting with YSB, helping them develop a sustainable fundraising system. A 30-year old nonprofit that helps youth and families succeed, YSB had never raised more than $8000 in a year.

We set a goal of raising $60,000, developed a gift chart that featured a $10,000 lead gift, and gathered a group of volunteers to be the campaign steering committee to help YSB raise the funds.

As part of my leadership and fundraising consulting, I teach nonprofit leaders to use stories from their organization's work as a way to move board, staff, volunteers and donors to help the organization carry out its mission.

In one of the meetings with the steering committee I asked the volunteers to come back the next week with a list of people they knew who had the ability to give $10,000.

Then Dave told his story. Recently the mother of a former student of Dave's wife (who is now a retired teacher) called her and poured out a story of how her grandson was living in a troubled situation. Her son and the boy's mother were not married and the mother didn't have a lot of parenting skills. She and her son lived with a live-in boyfriend, and the grandmother was worried.

Dave's wife said, "I'll have Dave call you." Dave called her and the grandmother promptly came to the YSB office and poured out the story to Dave. She was terribly concerned.

After telling the story to the steering committee, he added, "We have a federal grant that's made it possible for us to create a program for young mothers that would be perfect for this mother and her son. Unfortunately we only have funding for ten mothers. We're going to have to find away to meet the need anyway."

Later that day Dave's cell phone rang as Dave was driving between meetings. It was one of the volunteers on the steering committee. "Dave, I'd like to give the lead gift of $10,000 and have it go to help that young mother so she can be part of your program."

Dave almost drove in the ditch. In one pledge they were going to receive more than they ever had in a single year.

Wisdom for the day: Through deepening our connection in relationships, we discover great meaning and the power of transformed lives.

Fare thee well!

Rich Foss

If you find this e-letter helpful, please consider leaving a donation for Evergreen Leaders so you can enjoy the spirit of giving too.

Event: Exploring Consensus Decision-Making
October 4, 2008, Richmond, IN

Participatory decision-making is a humble hierarchy practice, recognizing the treasure and insight from every voice.

Three years ago, James Gingerich, founding director and doctor of Maple City Health Care Center (MCHCC), filled out a grant application that asked, "How is the diversity of the client base reflected in the board?" The center serves a low income population which is largely Hispanic.

James took it as a challenge and opportunity to diversify and reflect the community served by Maple City. Up to that point, MCHCC's board was mostly white middle class, educated Mennonites.

James considered what was the most successful cross-cultural thing happening in the organization already. He thought of their pre-natal groups, where participants shared though a circle dialogue process, which encouraged personal sharing and deep listening. Women crossed cultural barriers through their common experience of pregnancy and birth.

Could the board learn something from this model and apply it to their process of giving direction to the organization? James persuaded the Board to undergo a transformation.

To make a new beginning, MCHCC invited previous board members to join on new terms along with more diverse members. They changed their bylaws to reflect a consensus model, participating as equals.

How did the circle process work for the Board? The board gathered, then began telling stories. They used a talking stick reserved for one speaker at a time, with all others listening deeply. All were encouraged to address the whole group, focusing on what the group needed to say and hear.

The group adopted a rotating process observer role. This person was the guardian of the circle. When the observer rang a bell, the group would pause for one minute to reflect on the process. Then the observer would say why the bell rang.

The group experienced in-depth involvement. One member reflected, "All month long, life is like a jungle, but coming to the circle is an opportunity to be respected and be vulnerable." The circle was so much more relational.

Someone told the story of an undocumented immigrant woman afraid of driving. Each time she drove, she would check her light bulbs in hope that she would not be pulled over. Stories like this put a face on the issues.

The circle process encouraged good listening, which built trust and relationships through human encounter. Board meetings became fun. People wanted to come rather than merely coming out of obligation.

Listening also directed the organization into clarity in important decisions. For example, MCHCC had to consider whether to become federally qualified, which had implications for cheaper drugs, and malpractice insurance. They asked core identity questions.

• How does it reflect who we are?
• What constraints could this put on us?
• Could it change how the community sees us?
• How does this build our vision?

Wisdom for the day: Through deepening our connection in relationships, we discover great meaning and the power of transformed lives.

Blessings!

Charletta Erb

If you find this e-letter helpful, please consider leaving a donation for Evergreen Leaders so you can enjoy the spirit of giving too.

Book: The Little Book of Circle Processes
by Kay Pranis

An introduction to using circles to build connection and discover the treasure of transformed lives.

Event: Exploring Consensus Decision-Making
October 4, 2008, Richmond, IN

Participatory decision-making is a humble hierarchy practice, recognizing the treasure and insight from every voice.

While attending the conference Everything Must Change, I visited with Dr. James Gingerich before we both participated in a panel representing local organizations. His wise comments on the panel led me to follow up with an interview.

Dr. James Gingerich is the founding director and doctor at a health clinic, Maple City Health Care Center (MCHCC). The clinic provides health care services on a sliding scale basis to reach underserved populations in Goshen, Indiana.

I asked him how to orient our hope in these times when the world is facing so many crises? Gingerich responded to my question with a sparkle in his eyes.

"We start living an alternative reality already, recognizing bigger realities than what is falling apart. This does not mean we ignore, deny, or be ignorant of the terrible things that are going on. But we live out of a different community."

This satisfied me, or at least comforted me. We can't know the how. That's where we have to let go. But we see the outcome and invest our energies and beliefs in that. We can orient our focus on where hope is breaking in, and on what transformed living looks like.

Gingerich applied this vision of hope to his experience of MCHCC. "As institutions, we can't just focus on survival. We lose focus on what we're really about. There is nothing terrible about an institution failing, going out of business. It's worse to deny the call."

We can focus on producing the treasure in a way that transforms the lives of all involved in the organization. When we are only focused on maintaining an institution, we have lost sight of the longer vision and we are more likely to trample each other in the process of working for that vision.

In the work of transforming society, the compassionate work of nonprofits ensures people have access to health care, a sustainable environment and other social services. We also need to ensure the healthiness of our teamwork in these goals. If the means and the ends agree, we are being faithful for the long haul.

In orienting our hope, we focus on the treasure of transformed lives and where that reality is already breaking in. These are the powerful stories we can tell ourselves to guide us in the midst of a rapidly changing ecosystem on this powerful and fragile earth.

I'm so encouraged by the opportunity to talk with Gingerich. He shared a lot more about the role of stories for MCHCC and their unique board and staff relations. Look for some great stories of their alternative model in upcoming Evergreen Leaders e-letters.

Wisdom for the day: "Nonprofits fall into two categories: vision driven, or money and survival driven." James Gingerich

Keep the vision!

Charletta Erb

If you find this e-letter helpful, please consider leaving a donation for Evergreen Leaders so you can enjoy the spirit of giving too.

Much of my recent thinking revolves around global crises I anticipate in my lifetime: mass extinction, overpopulation, energy crises and climate change.

I am relieved to see Christians discussing these issues through a conference based on Brian McLaren's book, Everything Must Change: Jesus, Global Crises and A Revolution of Hope. In May, I participated in the conference where we explored crises of Planet, Poverty, Peacemaking and Purpose.

Part of my preoccupation with these issues is discerning how to live in realism and hope. In consulting for nonprofits, my passion for strong group dynamics intersects with society's need for agents of change.

Nonprofits can get on with creating a new society, regardless of corrupt governments and economies. And while we create the new, we witness to government through advocacy.

I asked Brian McLaren about the role of nonprofits as an avenue of change. He responded, "Nonprofits have a special role to play because not only do they do good work meeting human needs, but they are often the connectors and recruiters who get more and more people involved - learning what needs to change, getting their hands dirty, and then aligning their lives around benefit rather than simply comfort or profit.

"Nonprofits can't do it themselves, but they may well be the catalysts that make a new kind of social chemistry possible in our world."

To paraphrase Jim Wallis, politicians are always wetting their fingers, lifting them into the air to see which way the wind is going. Vote to change the way we do politics, but then change the wind.

How can we change the wind? There's so much to do in society through churches, communities, and nonprofits, to change the direction of the wind.

At Evergreen Leaders we want to help groups become more relational, to understand conflict and build communication, so that we can work with more unity toward positive change.

Wisdom for the day: Nonprofits are conduits for the power of creativity, volunteerism, and generous living, creating a movement that can build communities modeling sustainable living.

Blessings!

Charletta Erb

If you find this e-letter helpful, please consider leaving a donation for Evergreen Leaders so you can enjoy the spirit of giving too.